Harris' InkWell

Discipline

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrew 12:11

I have a confession to make I struggle with discipline. I often talk about setting goals and that I am going to do them, but then I don’t act on it. For example, I’m currently working with a Nutritionist. Because I struggle with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), she suggested that I eat foods that are high in omega 3 to help balance my mood, energy, sugar levels, and to help me lose the weight I gained while I was on my birth control and antidepressant. Even though we have a plan in place, which also includes exercising, I’m still not following it. I tend to overeat when someone comes over, when I’m bored or when I feel down. This hasn’t helped me with my weight loss goals at all. In fact, I just keep gaining weight which impacts my self-esteem.

On that note I am struggling with writing my second book. It’s about living with PMDD. How each month I go through mood swings, anger, deep depression, more weight gain from overeating, sleepless nights, and other physical symptoms. When I tell people that I’m writing about PMDD, which is a lifelong condition that will impact me until I hit menopause ask, “What in the world is PMDD I want to answer that question in my book and paint a clear picture of what it’s like to live with this condition and how hard it has been for me to navigate finding a treatment that works. The reason why I struggle with writing isn’t just about dealing with this severe chronic condition but writing about it can be draining. I wish I had discipline like my husband, Matt, he can get up early and work on his book for hours. Soon enough he’s going to have another great book in his hands.

As I think back to my life I know where my lack of discipline came from. I know that back when I was in high school, I had a good amount of self-esteem. I felt like I was going to have a bright future. But after my assault, my self-esteem tanked. Being assaulted changes you. I felt like I lost part of myself during those summers that I was on the farm.

In college, I had discipline. But college was a coping mechanism I buried myself in a routine and I thrived on it. I finally got a degree, but little did I know that I would become stuck.

After college, I didn’t have much of a routine or discipline. Many people wanted me to take any job I could take, but Vocational Rehab wanted me to either get a job in journalism or run my own business. I spent years looking for work and nothing came up.

Now I’m focusing on trying to get my discipline and self-esteem back. I’ve been focusing on the things I can do rather than what I can’t do. I know that getting my discipline back will take hard work, and with some areas, like working out, I might be sore. I know that if I take the Bible’s advice it will be worth it in the long run.

“Don’t Be a Jonah”

“But Jonah ran away from the Lord and headed for Tarshish” (Jonah 1:3)

Last year Jesus put something very personal on my heart. He asked me to be brave and share my testimony, “Broken and Healed.”

Matt and I evangelize on the street by sharing our poem testimonies. My poem, “Broken and Healed,” has touched many lives showing that with Jesus’ help healing is possible. But God wanted me to take sharing my testimony to a whole other level. He wanted me to share it on my social media platforms. I knew that sharing my testimony online would be very personal since I had family and friends on my social media platforms, including family members, who might disagree with my testimony.

Over the next few months, I was quiet and listened to make sure it was his voice. God’s voice was a whisper. But after praying for months, I knew that it was God’s voice telling me to do what he instructed me to do.

I made the tough choice to share my poem on the anniversary of my assault. As the day grew closer, I began to get more anxious. So, I texted a dear friend of mine. “I am thinking of posting my poem on Facebook…But I am nervous to because of my dad’s family. But God wants me too. I should listen, right?” Her response was perfect! “If it is what God wants, you should do it. Do not feel like a Jonah and try to run from it.”

As I looked at the text message, I felt very connected with Jonah. For those of you who do not know Jonah’s story here is a summary: Jonah was an Old Testament prophet who was told by God to go preach to the people of Nineveh, but instead he went on a boat and had plans to go to the land of Tarshish. During his voyage a roaring storm came, and the people on the ship wanted the storm to pass. Because of this they cast lots, and it was shown that Jonah was the cause. He begged to be thrown overboard, and a whale came and ate him. He was in the belly of the whale for three days, where he prayed and listened for God. Oddly enough he was spit up onto the shores of Nineveh where God told him he was to preach. Jonah learned that it was better to listen to God the first time around instead of trying to run and act on his own plans.

I knew that my friend was right. I could either get on the boat and go to my “Nineveh” and obey God, or I could board a boat and go to my own “Tarshish.”

I knew in my heart I did not want to disobey God and end up in my own whale belly. For me that meant that I knew that I had to get on my own boat and post my poem no matter what feedback I got. That meant facing my fear of having the possibility of my dad’s family approaching me and accusing me of lying. I knew in my heart the truth of my assault, and I knew that God was with me. I knew that if I didn’t listen to God then I couldn’t continue to just share my poem on the streets. I had to listen to God and obey.

On May 30, early in the morning, I posted “Broken and Healed,” on my social media platforms. I took care of my mental health that day by going out with Matt. We shopped and had lunch. I stayed off social media until the next day.

I got little feedback, but more importantly than that is I obeyed God. I did not become a Jonah.

About Broken and Healed

“They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony…” (Revelation 12:11).

Sharing your testimony can be hard. Listening to God can be hard, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

I have been praying a lot and have asked Jesus to put something important on my heart.

After months of praying, I decided to post my poem, “Broken and Healed,” on my social media accounts. I did not share my poem out of anger, bitterness, or malice, but I posted it, so I could have more peace, and it may help someone else.

This is a trigger warning to anyone who may become upset over abuse. Feel free to stop reading now.

Over 15 years ago a male family member sexually abused me. This family member is no longer alive. I am healthy and safe. Before this person died, he asked me to call him to talk. I felt safe since I was miles away and it was via a phone call. I knew that I had the power to hang up the phone at any time. During that phone call he apologized to me, and I accepted it. He also told me to seek therapy. I have seen a professional therapist to help me deal with the negative outcome of this person’s actions. But it is not just seeking professional help that helped me heal my heart. The main person who helped me heal was Jesus, my Lord and Savior. I have taken my abuser’s actions to the cross many times and over time I have come to terms with what happened to me, and I am now able to leave it in the past. I can only move forward.

I hope that sharing this with you today encourages you to continue your own journey with Jesus and if you do not know him see that being a Christian is not always easy, but God is always there. The Bible says in Romans 8:28, “ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Here is what God has done for me since those events many years ago. Two years ago, I authored a poem called “Broken and Healed.” This poem came from the deepest part of my heart, and it shows my journey to forgiveness with Jesus’ help.

I now use this poem when my husband and I are out on the streets doing evangelism. I am now writing my memoir with the same title. Yes, this abuse is a part of my life’s story, but it is not my whole life’s story. The Bible says, in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I feel that the Lord has called me into ministry to come speak to youth who have been hurt and need help learning to forgive. If you ever have been hurt like I did know that healing is possible especially with Jesus by your side.

Update on PMDD Two Years Later

April is Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder Awareness (PMDD) month. Here is a short update on how I am doing with the disorder.

In 2021, I wrote a candid blog post about having Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). I wrote about how I tried a type of birth control to help me with my cramps and mood swings.

However, two months after I started taking my birth control I had a depressive episode that was caused by a former friend who cussed me out. This really hurt my mental health. I was heartbroken by her words. The words kept repeating inside my head and caused me to get depressed. Since I wasn’t coping well, I went to speak with my nurse about my depression. She suggested that I try an antidepressant that would not only help me get pass the depression that I was facing but it would also help my mood swings. I continued to take both my birth control and antidepressants. But they didn’t help. The birth control didn’t help with my cramps and the antidepressant caused me to gain weight. I wasn’t happy with how I felt or looked. But I was told by my nurse, at the time, that nothing else could be done and I should continue to take them.

After moving to Maryland in 2021, I told my new nurse that I didn’t want to be on either of them because of the side effects and she agreed. To help with the cramps she prescribed a muscle relaxer. The muscle relaxer helped with my cramps, but there was a side effect that I didn’t like. The pill made me sleepy and when I took it, I slept most of the time.

I still struggled with the mood swings, cravings, bloating and aches and pains throughout my body. To help combat these symptoms I tried taking Midol, but it didn’t help much. I was getting frustrated. I didn’t feel good.

In addition to the physical symptoms of PMDD I face Anxiety and Depression. Seeing a mental health therapist helps me learn coping skills to help manage my symptoms.

Fast forward to the month of May in 2024, I started having stomach pains, bathroom issues, bloating, and my period lasted longer than normal, and I felt like my bones were on fire. My doctor gave me a prescription for the bone pain, and she suggested I get an ultrasound. I agreed. The ultrasound wasn’t painful, just a little uncomfortable. A few days later I got the results. I had a small fibroid tumor, an ovarian cyst, and a blocked fallopian tube and I was going to be sent to a gynecologist. When the nurse’s assistant called and explained the results, I hung up the phone and cried on Matt’s chest for at least fifteen minutes. I was shocked, but also hopeful that they finally found the reason for my pain, and why my period had been so heavy for years.

The next day the gynecologist’s office called, and I found out I had to wait until October for my appointment. So, I waited and worried.

The day of my appointment came, and I was nervous. I had read so many horror stories of women having bad experiences and needing surgery or medicines to help with these problems.

My doctor was kind. She explained that the fibroid tumor was not cancerous, and it was about the size of a poppy seed, my cyst was in normal limits and my blocked tube was nothing to worry about since I am not planning on having children. I shared that my heavy periods and severe cramps were disrupting my daily life. She said that since the muscle relaxers and pain medicine for my fiery bones were working, we didn’t have to change anything regarding pain management. She also didn’t answer my question on why I have heavy periods. So that still remains a mystery.

I listed out my symptoms and told her that a former therapist told me I had PMDD back in 2015. She confirmed that I did indeed have PMDD. I walked out of her office with a prescription for another form of birth control to try to sooth the symptoms I battle each month. Because of my insurance I had to wait to get it covered. I had to wait until January 2025. I had a lot of ambivalence because of the side effects I had from my previous prescription. Finally in February I decided to take it. But it was only for four days because I got migraines and had panic attacks.

It’s hard to have PMDD, because of the intense physical and emotional symptoms. My anxiety and depression cause me to feel like I am on a roller coaster most of the month. Even though I apply coping skills to help me manage my mood swings they aren’t enough to help me. Sometimes medication, such as an antidepressant, is prescribed.

While I was researching information about antidepressants, I learned that some women benefit from a low dose pill that is only taken during their PMDD week. I told my therapist about it, and he did some research on it.

During my last session he suggested that I try an antidepressant to help with the mood swings. I explained to him that I was hesitant to try another one because I didn’t like the side effects I had from my previous prescription. He explained to me that he did some of his own research and found the same thing I did, and to keep an open mind about trying it.

I decided to give it a chance, so at my last doctor’s appointment I asked about it and my doctor agreed. It was too late to take it during my last cycle. And my last cycle was hard. I had a lot of anxiety, depression and some tension. Matt and I are still learning how to manage this disorder. Because of the mood swings, anxiety, depression and physical symptoms PMDD is not just hard on the person who has it, but also their family. Matt is learning skills to help me cope with and to help him deal with the disorder.

I tried my new medicine and sadly I had an allergic reaction to it. I am presently waiting to hear back from my doctor to find out what to do next….

Delight in the Lord, have Gratitude for what you have, and be Healed with the Lord’s help.

This morning as I was responding to blog posts, I was thinking about the year 2025. What would I want to achieve this year? As I sat back in my chair thinking about the vision board, I had on my laptop computer, I thought to myself. “I can’t achieve these goals without the help of the Lord.” As I continued to think and look around my small apartment, I couldn’t help but think about the word delight. This word came from a quiz that I took a few days before the new year. When I looked up Bible verses about the word delight. I got excited.

It says in Psalms 37:4, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” I want to get closer to God this year. I want to focus on him no matter what I am doing. It is hard for me to get close to God because I feel distracted by the cares of this life. I have to remember that God has a plan for my life. A good and wholesome plan. A plan I can delight in.

I continued to look around my apartment and I saw several piles of things. Mail to be opened for my YouTube and Rumble channels, Hauls that needed to be done, and I had to get dinner out of the freezer. That was when I realized that I need to be grateful for what I have. I am no means rich; however, I have a lot to thank God for. It says in Psalms 100:4 “Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name” I should praise him all the time.

Lastly, I want to work on getting healed. I have episodes of depression and anxiety caused by a condition known as Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). I will have this condition until I hit menopause. During my PMDD episodes that last anywhere from a week to two weeks before I get my cycle, I have physical and mental health symptoms that cause me to be uncomfortable.

I want to do what I can to help manage my symptoms. I try to hold on to Jesus’ even if it is just by the edge of his garment each month. This Bible verse is so encouraging in Psalms 34:18-20 it says, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.” I know that managing this condition is hard, but with Jesus I can do anything.

Three Writers Meet

This past week I got the pleasure of meeting Martha who runs the blog The Martha Review. I started following her blog way back in 2014. I find that her adventures, stories from her great granddaughter Lia, and her recipes to be down to earth and enriching. With each passing comment on her blog, we became friends. Soon we put our friendship onto Facebook.

After moving to Glen Burnie, Maryland I learned that Martha had a daughter who lives close to us. She asked my husband, Matt and I if we felt comfortable with her stopping by for a visit. Matt and I agreed, and a date was arranged. I could hardly sleep the night before because I was so excited to meet my long-time blogger friend.

The morning came quickly, and I eagerly counted down the hours until she would arrive. To help keep the butterflies in my stomach in check I decided to deep clean my apartment for the second time.

Soon my iphone buzzed with a text message from Martha with her status. Matt and I grabbed our white canes and headed outside to wait for her. Soon she called, needing directions on how to get to our house. Thank goodness for my husband Matt who helped get Martha here. I stink at giving directions.

After a brief hug Matt, Martha, her little dog, Snowball and I went inside for a chat. I got to know Snowball who was the sweetest little dog. Snowball’s fur was so soft and curly. After getting petted by Matt and I he quickly gave Martha some kisses then settled down for a nap.

While he was napping, we sat around our kitchen table swapping stories. Martha told me about how Lia and all the family were doing. It’s so exciting to hear how Lia is growing up to be a fine young lady. We talked about blogging and how much things have changed since Covid. Matt and I shared some of our most recent projects including a gospel tract that Matt had wrote and I helped design. Martha was impressed with it. What touched me the most was that Matt, and I were able to present our own life testimony. Her words of encouragement after she read mine gave me strength and courage to keep writing my memoir and my book of poetry.

Martha is a strong woman who I look up to. She is humble and kind. Martha, your advice on life touched me very much.

After our chat we took a few selfies together. That was so fun to do. 😊

Martha, thank you so much for coming all the way from South Carolina for the visit. We look forward to having you stop by again one day. And, before I forget, thank you so much for the homemade meatballs you brought us. I can’t wait to host my next dinner party.

Photo Credit: Martha DeMeo

Jesus’ Food Pantry

“Here is a boy with five small barley loves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?” (John 6:9)

Each year Matt and I get paperwork to fill out for benefits we receive. We recently got a stack of paperwork for one of those benefits. We worked on the paperwork during that weekend, and it was stressful. I was worried about getting the paperwork done on time. Our hard work paid off and the good news was we were able to turn it on time.

As we waited for their decision, we wondered if our budget would be dramatically altered. Several weeks later, Matt called the office to ask for an update. We were told that we were approved for the same amount we had been receiving, but two days later we got a letter asking for more information. We spent a few more days gathering that information. We finished our paperwork and turned it in before the deadline.

But one thing was worrying me: what would we do if our benefit decreased? One evening that worry dissolved as I sat at my computer watching the play Jesus from Sight and Sound. In the play, when Jesus fed about five thousand men with five loves of bread and two fish, I felt the Holy Spirit say, If Jesus can feed them, He can feed you and Matt. This gave me peace.

About a week later, we got our answer. The good news was we were approved, but the bad news was our benefit decreased. Despite the reduction and the high costs of groceries, Jesus is still keeping our bellies full.

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A post shared by Amanda Gene Harris-freelance writer and Youtuber (@harrisinkwell)

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