“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.”-Psalms 139:23-24
If you read my 2021: More Life, Peace and Goodness-June Edition you know that last month was a little rough. Sadly, it feels that July wants to follow June’s example. Ever since I started my antidepressant tablets, I have been battling a sour stomach. This, in turn, makes me even more anxious. I have a big fear of ending up in the Hospital without insurance which makes my anxiety even worse.
Because I have not felt well, I had to cancel or change my plans. This past weekend I missed a friend’s birthday party. I was looking forward to the party and I just had to miss it. I called the following Monday to see if I could see my nurse any earlier then my scheduled appointment. The clinic could not offer me an earlier appointment. All they could offer was a quick phone consultation with the prescription nurse who told me to keep track of my symptoms and to try antinausea medicine. I have tried it, but it has not worked. The only thing I have found helpful is to take my two prescriptions at different times and to take a mint when I need it. Moreover, I was planning on taking a continuing education class on writing my memoir. I ended up deciding to wait until August to take the class.
During this time, I have been praying that God is hearing my prayers and will heal me. Please keep me in your prayers.
June was not an easy month for me. Life through me a curve ball. The first three weeks I was sick with a stomachache. I was having a lot of anxiety attacks that were making my stomachaches worse. I had a big argument with a ex friend online, and I kept repeating the argument in my head. I went to my doctor who prescribed me some medicine for my stomach and anxiety.
After my appointment, my stomach started to improve. I went ahead and picked up my prescriptions. It took a few days for me to feel completely better with my stomach.
I had another appointment with my therapist who increased my therapy sessions. We are focusing on sleep hygiene since my anxiety tends to increase before bedtime.
I lacked peace during this month. I had several times to exercise peace, but instead of focusing on that I focused on my problems. For example, instead of accepting the fact that my friendship was over with a friend who cussed me out over a Facebook post I questioned if I did the right thing by blocking her and discounting our friendship. This person has cussed me out both publicly and privately before and my mental health was being affected by her actions. I have forgiven her, but I felt it was best not to be friends any longer.
I became fearful when my best friend told me about his upcoming doctor appointment. Instead of focusing on the fact my friend was finally getting help for his hurting hip I worried about the outcome of the appointment even before he made it through the door.
Even though I had these setbacks God’s goodness is all around me. This month I applied for an internship where I would have the opportunity to edit videos, write blog posts, and post to the company’s social media websites. I was nervous during my interview, however I stayed positive, and I was given an offer. I felt proud of myself. However, the company did not offer what I needed, so I had to reject the offer. This did teach me that with a positive attitude I can make it through interviews and get offers. I am not going to give up on my writing career.
I had a meeting with my social worker, and we worked hard for over an hour to try to find me some resources. I found a few. Now it is just a waiting game.
About a month ago I got a call from the low-income clinic. “Hello, Amanda. I would like to inform you that your therapist will have to cancel your upcoming appointments until further notice. As we move forward with your care, I may just have to reschedule you with your current therapist or reassign you to someone else.” I was in shock. I really felt like my therapist and I were in a great therapeutic relationship. I felt like I was doing well and making progress towards reducing my anxiety and depression. “What happened?” I asked the receptionist. “I can’t get into it, but just know she is okay. We will call you when we find out more information.” I hung up the phone and started to panic. I went and told my grandpa what was going on. Then I called my best friend, who told me sometimes things happen and all you can do is press forward. My other best friend said the same thing. As I started to process all of this, I had feelings of uncertainty and abandonment. I went to YouTube and watched a few videos by Kati Morton. During that video I learned that writing down what I was feeling would be helpful. All I could do is to text a friend of mine to explain how I felt.
During the next two weeks I felt like my anxiety went into overdrive. I started having tight muscles, stomach aches, and trouble sleeping. My thoughts of having to meet with someone else made me uneasy. I did not want to have to reexplain my past, where I was in the present, and my hopes for the future. The next appointment came. I called the clinic hoping for an answer. All I was told was that my appointment was canceled, and I was supposed to call back next week when the clinic would have more answers.
The next day I could not take the pressure of my anxiety any longer. I picked up the phone and called the clinic back. I got news I did not want to hear: my therapist was gone, and I would have to start all over. I quickly explained that I was on the no co pay sliding scale fee, and if possible, I would like to see a female. I was set up quickly with an appointment and given a name.
I looked up my new therapist on a few websites to learn about her background. This helped me feel a little better knowing that her credentials met some of the problems that I have been struggling with.
I once again called my best friends and asked for advice. Their advice was to wait for the appointment, see how it goes and go from there.
The day of my appointment arrived and soon I was in the digital waiting room. My new therapist was full of energy, and she was easy to talk to. She started off by asking me a few basic questions about my support system, my past and what my previous therapist and I were working on.
I told her I had just had a big argument about a Facebook post, and I had to block a specific person. We also talked about sleep. I am having a lot of problems sleeping especially right before my period. She asked me to start tracking how I was feeling and maybe find out some meditation videos I could listen to before bed.
After that she scheduled me for three more sessions. All in all, I feel like this new therapist and I are going to work well together.
“Careful words make for a careful life; careless talk may ruin everything.”- Proverbs 13:3
God has once again put me in a classroom. The lesson is about words, forgiveness and setting boundaries. Let me set the scene. Late Saturday night I posted a post about people fighting cancer. I went to bed not thinking anything of it; the next day I woke up to this comment: “They’ve usually had enough misery in their lives. Never judge until you know the whole story, freedom of choice is for many reasons. Everyone has known/knows someone with cancer. You are making this about YOU.” I explained to this person that I knew people with cancer and that I posted this for people fighting cancer. It was a chain post.
Says: careful words make for a careful life; careless talk may ruin everything. -Proverbs 13:3
She then private messaged me sending me a verse from Tiny Buddha. I explained that I could not see what she sent-only that it was from Tiny Buddha, and I did not believe in Buddha but Jesus.
“And Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life. He who comes to Me shall never hunger, and he who believes in Me shall never thirst.”- John 6:35
That made her angry. She started calling me a liar because I could see the title of Tiny Buddha, but not the main text which was blue on white. This text I could not see due to poor contrast.
She then proceeded to tell me that I was an idiot for posting the post- and that at least she could READ. I may have read the post one way and she may have not read the post in full. At the bottom of it said repost in honor of those fighting and who died fighting cancer. I told her she did not have to like anything I shared and that she could have just scrolled by it.
She then said I was not a good writer because I could not spell. I did make a spelling error in a previous message but that was because I was angry and because of my Dyslexia. Yes, as a Dyslexic writer I can and will make mistakes, but that does not mean I am a poor writer or an idiot. I can learn from those spelling errors. Correct them and move on.
She then called me a fool for being a writer. I love my career and I am thankful for the talent that God has given me. I know that not everyone is going to care for what I write, and I may get some criticism for my writing. But no one should be called a fool.
She then told me that I never take responsibility for my actions and that she was going to block me. At this point, I was hurt. I do take responsibilities for my actions. I do the best that I can do every day. When I explained this, she blocked me.
I was angry and hurt that she was upset at me for something she could have decided to ignore. I went to a couple of friends who told me to forgive her and move on without continuing to be her friend. A few minutes after this she unblocked me and apologized. Saying she was being childish.
Even though I have accepted her apology I went ahead and blocked her from being my friend and messaging me.
“But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”- Matthew 6:15
You see the reason I did this was because she has cussed me out and has spoken harshly to me several times before. Ironically, I had just written a blog post on hurtful words inspired by this very person. I do not want to have negative people in my life. I have found that the more positive people that I associate with the more positive thinking I have: “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.”- Philippians 4:8
Another month is in the books and another chapter is written.
Life has certainly had its good points this month. This month we went to cracker barrel for breakfast. I had pancakes, eggs, sausage, and coffee. It was good to enjoy the company of our neighbors. My Grandpa celebrated his 85th birthday this month. It was nice to celebrate at a restaurant that I never been too and enjoy seeing my grandpa happy.
Peace was present this month. In the past Duke has had a bad reaction to one of his shots; he got a lump on his shoulder. Because of this my grandpa had to take him back to another vet for further treatment. Duke’s vet knew about the reaction and told us that he was going to give each shot separately, and he told us to bring him back if he had any problems. Luckily, Duke did fine.
If I stop and look at my life, I can see the goodness all around me. It has been sunny here in Florida, so I am writing this outside. While I was sitting outside my friend called me on FaceTime and we both enjoyed listening to the birds.
I have friends that care for me. For instance, I was feeling low and asked my best friend to call me. She listened patiently to my problems. I feel that today was a day that I struggled with my anxiety and depression, however sometimes a listening ear is all you need to make the difference.
Lastly, I hope you have been watching my YouTube channel lately! My grandpa and I got a technology upgrade. I am happy to say I am now the owner of an Iphone 12. 😊
Let me know how your month was down in the comments below.
This past Tuesday my grandpa turned 85 years young. To help celebrate his birthday a group of his friends, including me, took him out to lunch on Saturday, to a restaurant called Jesse’s. We all had a great time. The food was amazing. I had a hamburger and fries. The hamburger was tasty, and the fries just melted in your mouth; they were so tender. The restaurant also offers salmon, stake, and many other amazing dishes. Everyone had a great time. The restaurant even gave my grandpa a free slice of bread pudding which is one of his favorites. When we were paying our bills one man from Australia walked over and paid for one of my friend’s bills. He was so sweet. He also offered to pay for my grandpa’s, but that was already taken care of. This small act of kindness shows me once again that there are kind people in this world.
Speaking of kind people my grandpa is one amazing man. For those of you who do not know my story, I have been living with my grandpa for over half of my life. My mother died of a heart attack unexpectedly. After that, my father abandoned me, by leaving me on their doorstep, after a short weekend stay. My grandpa stepped up and started caring for me. He has provided me with food, shelter, clothing, and more. He helped me complete my high school diploma which my mother and I fought so hard for. After that he could have kicked me out. Instead, he allowed me to stay and go on to earn my bachelor’s degree.
He continues to support me while I work on starting my own business. It is a tough job, but without my grandpa’s support I would not be where I am today. I love you grandpa and thank you so much for the love and care you have and continue to provide for me.
On his actual birthday I surprised him with a card and some spending money and a cake. He was really surprised since he did not know that I bought it for him the night before when we did a quick grocery run to Walmart. To continue his celebration Grandpa and I went to Crazy Horse Café and we had fried chicken. Then we went home to have his favorite Coconut cake. It was delicious!
“I have been given complete authority in heaven and on earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the father and the Son and the Holy Spirit (Matthew 28:19)
If you watched my baptism video, you know my seeds of faith started when my middle school friend Kayleigh started sharing the gospel and about God’s grace.
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.” (Ephesians 2:8)
After I moved to Florida, I spoke to Kayleigh for the last time, because we lost contact.
In 2003 during a father-daughter date I gave my life over to Christ. For years after this I would often think about Kayleigh and the lessons she taught me.
My heart burned to tell her it was because of her courage that she shared her faith with me that I accepted Christ.
Before and after my baptism I asked God for Kayleigh and me to reconnect. After my baptism, a friend of mine reached out asking if I was still connected. I told her no. She told me that she was praying.
Says: God answered my prayers. I found the young woman who had the courage to share her faith with me back in middle school. Because of her courage I accepted Jesus as a young teenager.
“Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours” (Mark 11:24)
On April 20, I started to look for Kayleigh. I started by looking for her in the last town we were together. I found four Kaylee’s. Only one reminded me of her. I left her a message asking if she was my friend from years ago. I sat on my bed and thought. Another name came to mind! Meagan! I found her name on Facebook and I wrote her a brief message and waited. She responded. Meagan thought about it for a moment and come to find out I had Kayleigh’s name spelled wrong and she was married which meant she had a different last name. Luckily, she and Meagan were still friends on Facebook.
I sat at my desk and cried while I gave thanks to God.
I quickly reached out to Kayleigh and within minutes she responded. I cried again praising God for this answered prayer. I told her thank you for sharing her faith with me and because of her courage I accepted Jesus as a young teenager.
A message from Kayleigh: Hearing that has completely made my day Amanda. I am SO happy you came to know Jesus.
Kayleigh and I talked the following Friday, and it was a great chat.
Thank you, Jesus for her words that lead me to you. Thank you for connecting me to my friend, Amen.
Welcome to Emily’s world! My name is Emily. I am 26 years old. I am completely blind. this is my personal blog where I write on my life and what not some things you can expect from me are blind/ sighted topics#gratefulness blog posts and inspiration blog posts and so much more regarding what comes to my mind! Please follow my blog to stay up to date with my latest blog posts ☺️
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