Discipline

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrew 12:11

I have a confession to make I struggle with discipline. I often talk about setting goals and that I am going to do them, but then I don’t act on it. For example, I’m currently working with a Nutritionist. Because I struggle with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), she suggested that I eat foods that are high in omega 3 to help balance my mood, energy, sugar levels, and to help me lose the weight I gained while I was on my birth control and antidepressant. Even though we have a plan in place, which also includes exercising, I’m still not following it. I tend to overeat when someone comes over, when I’m bored or when I feel down. This hasn’t helped me with my weight loss goals at all. In fact, I just keep gaining weight which impacts my self-esteem.

On that note I am struggling with writing my second book. It’s about living with PMDD. How each month I go through mood swings, anger, deep depression, more weight gain from overeating, sleepless nights, and other physical symptoms. When I tell people that I’m writing about PMDD, which is a lifelong condition that will impact me until I hit menopause ask, “What in the world is PMDD I want to answer that question in my book and paint a clear picture of what it’s like to live with this condition and how hard it has been for me to navigate finding a treatment that works. The reason why I struggle with writing isn’t just about dealing with this severe chronic condition but writing about it can be draining. I wish I had discipline like my husband, Matt, he can get up early and work on his book for hours. Soon enough he’s going to have another great book in his hands.

As I think back to my life I know where my lack of discipline came from. I know that back when I was in high school, I had a good amount of self-esteem. I felt like I was going to have a bright future. But after my assault, my self-esteem tanked. Being assaulted changes you. I felt like I lost part of myself during those summers that I was on the farm.

In college, I had discipline. But college was a coping mechanism I buried myself in a routine and I thrived on it. I finally got a degree, but little did I know that I would become stuck.

After college, I didn’t have much of a routine or discipline. Many people wanted me to take any job I could take, but Vocational Rehab wanted me to either get a job in journalism or run my own business. I spent years looking for work and nothing came up.

Now I’m focusing on trying to get my discipline and self-esteem back. I’ve been focusing on the things I can do rather than what I can’t do. I know that getting my discipline back will take hard work, and with some areas, like working out, I might be sore. I know that if I take the Bible’s advice it will be worth it in the long run.